Posted on 2008.01.29 at 15:32
How i feel:: bored
Add it so i have some friends?
its feeling awfully lonely.
and i promise its more interesting than this one was.
Posted on 2007.12.27 at 20:29
How i feel:: cranky
Livejournal V.s myspace.
Posted on 2007.10.23 at 09:35
How i feel:: blank
What i hear:: Celtic
Lucy is asleep in the cage next to me.
Im sitting here uploading songs onto my new 4gb ipod thinking of how i dont know...
I dont know how when my baby girl dies i can handle it,
Knwoing that i love that baby animal more than i love most humans scares me,
because humans can live to a hundred,
but the most she can live to is three, and shes already half a year old.
And when i get her out of her cage and she runs away onto my bed i get scared that she doesnt love me.
But then after an hour or so im jsut laying there and she runs out and sniffs in my ear and plays with my hand and i know she loves me again.
I hate that she has to sit in a cage all day,
i just want to set her free,
but i cant, she may never come back and sniff my ear and play with my hand,
and im scared of that because then she didnt love me after all.
So i enclose her,
i keep her in a prison,
and i hate myself for it,
i just dont want her to hate me for it either.
Posted on 2007.09.21 at 20:16
going to agnus waters for 3 days,
wow, 3 whole days without work.
Somehow i feel ashamed of myself that typing on here gives me some form of fullfillment?
i fear that this fullfillment is both superficial and selfish.
i dont know.
i hope i dont get one while im at the beach.
perhaps im just having a superficial night then?
who knows anymore.
Posted on 2007.09.12 at 19:28
How i feel:: exhausted
What i hear:: Silence
Sometimes theres just not enough hours in the day, or the night for that matter.
I need more time,
for everything. I cant wait until the end of next monday; holidays at last,
and then last term of year 12 :]
Im starting to think that re-peating wasnt such a good idea,
but then again, if you think about anything for long enough it doesnt seem like a good idea.
too many "buts" and "what ifs?".
Hope your all feeling lighter than i am.
Posted on 2007.08.28 at 18:49
How i feel:: cold
Even my grandmothers sit there and say im not eating little enough.
i cant stand this anymore.
ill starve myself, then will i be pretty in your eyes?
Posted on 2007.08.08 at 08:21
How i feel:: cold
Tea is nice.
Coffee has the most yukky after-taste i have ever experienced.
But its all ok,
people who drink coffee always look so sophisticated...
Same with those who drink wine....
I hate both :-P
but then again, i wouldnt call myself "sophisticated" anyway.
I got my licence. Wonderful freedom.
I dont have a car or money to pay for fuel if i borrow anyone elses. OK, Not exactly wonderful freedom.
Girls are very beautiful,
i just love womens bodies,
so much beautiful to draw and paint,
but then again, adams body is beautiful,
so fragile, so feminin, so....so much like home :]
Thanks everyone for reading my insignificant rambling.
And sorry i dont know how to spell "feminin" correctly :/
I hope you are all safe and smiling.
Posted on 2007.08.07 at 18:41
How i feel:: aggravated
Only 10mins or so after i typed my last entry about making things better i ate:
a whole big packet of kettle chips
and half of another light and tangy
a bowl of ice-cream
ANYTHING I COULD FIND.
this just has to stop,
i cant handle failing at this everyday.
I know to others this may seem so stupid,
but to me its my whole world.
Posted on 2007.08.07 at 10:07
Ive reached an all-time low..
But perhaps "all time high" is a more appropriate term in the current situation.
76kg. Call me shallow, call me stupid, call my superficial...
But i dont feel like me, i dont feel good, i feel trapped in this stupid fat suit.
2nd AIM: 60kg
Altimate aim: 55kg.
...I can do it. and i just cant wait to feel myself again.
Posted on 2007.07.17 at 10:01
How i feel:: stressed
Somehow posting words here dont statisfy me as much as it used to.
I remember sitting exactly where i am now 3 years ago.
Mum was gone from home, dad was in the room next door.
They used to make me leave no matter how much i struggled,
Now they had given up...But i liked it that way.
They couldnt deal with what i had, and in turn they faught.
...So much Frustration due to my failures.
Mum went, dad stayed; Crying everynight in front of the television.
So here i was sitting after another night of dad and me alone at home.
But honestly? Anything was better than having to leave that room.
Dad walked in...He said "you know, your going to have to go back to school sometime..."
That moment...The worst id ever....i dont know how to explain.
I went to my mum who was staying somewhere else,
I told her how lost i felt.
She lay down in a ball on the floor and cried her heart out.
She told me she couldnt deal with this anymore.
She said that it was all too much.
She told me to leave.
Here i am 3 years later.
I can leave the house,
I can breathe outside,
and i am in love...
Mums home again now.
were a "happy family" again.
What they dont know? The same thoughts still haunt me.
Im just too scared,
Im just too guilty,
to speak when i need to,
because i know they cant handle it again.
I dont know why i bothered writing this out...
I just....Nevermind. I dont know.